So I actually posted this entry once and then took it down because I was worried my audience wouldn’t understand the creative license I took in personify the different parts of my thought processes. Of course I’m talking about those other readers, not YOU. Anyway, if after reading this disclaimer you are still wondering if I’m “balanced” well I’m not (is that really a possibility for anyone?). I’m still working through loss, confusion, anger, insecurity . . . Not balanced, not centered. But be reassured I’m not outside my mind, yet. (Maybe getting outside would be helpful. Maybe I have a form of “mental cabin fever” for being in my head too much). Anyway, if you still feel doubtful about my emotional state after reading the following entry, don’t bother me with questions. Just talk behind my back. Okay?
Silencing the Inner Critic
It’s not that I am being really hard on myself and full of self-doubt. It’s just that it feels like the Inner Critic needs to be quieted so I can hear from someone or something else. The thing about Inner Critic, (the part I depend on most) is she keeps Her Highness Delusions of Grandeur in check. That’s not really her name, that‘s the one Inner Critic gives her. Her real name is High Hopes. I have loved HH, maybe too much; but the jealous Inner Critic keeps my affections in check.
These sisters, High Hopes and Inner Critic, know all my dreams. But for HH concealing my heart’s desires is a burden and I know there are times when she wants to sit under the interrogation light, inside the confessional, on the witness stand and reveal one little wish, just to see if someone would BELIEVE alongside us.
I suppose that’s what I love about intercessory prayers in church; some person had the courage to be completely vulnerable and admit a want or need. Someone brought a prayer, a secret wish – hope - desire, to the pastor so he would proclaim it OUTLOUD, to people – some who are nameless strangers, hoping someone would BELIEVE alongside them. I mean what are the odds that someone would BELIEVE in your dream when you’re not sure you believe in yourself?
Coming from a family who takes pride in providing FREE Supersized reality checks, blunt criticism, and condemnation I wouldn’t DARE assume anyone should, could or would BELIEVE alongside me. Or so Inner Critic reminds me.
Anyway, High Hopes has been quiet . . . because I don’t know what to want. I don’t know what to be. I don’t know what to do. It feels like dreaming is just that, transient images in my head without the vigor of ambition, an urgency to satisfy, the need to share. An emotional Bermuda Triangle. At night I'm awake, but the sky is overcast, no stars to follow.
In church prayers end with “if it BE Your will.”
God, show me where North is . . . (you say the rest)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Look In
I took some time to look "IN" the 2010 entry log and I decided to pick out my five favorite entries. These entries are good presentations of the spiritual journey I'm on.
December 30 ,2010 "Story." I like this entry because I don't often share examples of my fiction writing.
September 2, 2010 "Chair-ity." The chairs and essay were deeply satisfying work for me.
August 24, 2010 "The Sun Sets in the East." These moments can be explained by science, but whenever the setting sun light shines in through the east windows it feels miraculous.
June 28, 2010 "Time for an Un-controlled Joy." That hydrangea was a pretty powerful object lesson. I still am learning from it. I still struggle with doubts, but time just might correct some of that.
February 23, 2010 "Rainbow Frogs." I love to bring a little whimsy into the world.
December 30 ,2010 "Story." I like this entry because I don't often share examples of my fiction writing.
September 2, 2010 "Chair-ity." The chairs and essay were deeply satisfying work for me.
August 24, 2010 "The Sun Sets in the East." These moments can be explained by science, but whenever the setting sun light shines in through the east windows it feels miraculous.
June 28, 2010 "Time for an Un-controlled Joy." That hydrangea was a pretty powerful object lesson. I still am learning from it. I still struggle with doubts, but time just might correct some of that.
February 23, 2010 "Rainbow Frogs." I love to bring a little whimsy into the world.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
This Magic Moment
There was a magic moment before sunrise on Wednesday. A heavy frost covered everything, it looked like diamond dust. Absolutely beautiful.
NYE Almost a Frat Party
Inspired by the Gieco Piggy we decided to rent a Wii for NYE. It was a wild time!!
Folks were feeling like hardcore partay-ers, see'em showing off their gang signs?
Dig the Sparty t-shirt?
A moment inspired by my story. Did you read it a few entries back? Good bye foul phone book!
Boys doing some Wii dancing, too funny. Jim wins the hipster award!
I threw some strong right punches.
I was knocked out!
Whatever!
Funny for those who won't dare get up and fight.
Folks were feeling like hardcore partay-ers, see'em showing off their gang signs?
Dig the Sparty t-shirt?
A moment inspired by my story. Did you read it a few entries back? Good bye foul phone book!
Boys doing some Wii dancing, too funny. Jim wins the hipster award!
I threw some strong right punches.
I was knocked out!
Whatever!
Funny for those who won't dare get up and fight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)